The goal of conflict
chuckbeardsley2019-03-29T17:18:07+00:00Generally, people think the goal of conflict is winning. Sometimes in life it is. But in a marriage, that's another losing strategy. If you're winning an conflict, then your partner [...]
Ask for what you want
chuckbeardsley2019-03-29T17:46:14+00:00Asking for what you want, rather than telling your partner what they did wrong, or about what you don't want, is a winning strategy. A common mistake couples make is [...]
The Emotional Bank Account
chuckbeardsley2019-03-29T17:26:55+00:00One of the things that connected with me personally when I first heard John and Julie Gottman speak was the concept of the emotional bank account. Several of the Gottman [...]
Politics and differences
chuckbeardsley2019-03-29T17:28:32+00:00Differences in politics has come up several times in my work with couples. This isn't new. 38% of married households contain a politically mismatched pair, according to recent survey data. [...]
“Now what do I do?”
chuckbeardsley2018-02-28T17:58:28+00:00This is a question I get a lot during sessions, when clients have had a conflict, right in front of me. My answer is: Let’s do a quick repair. [...]
Response Ability
chuckbeardsley2018-02-28T17:59:52+00:00The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for your role in the issue. Think about the word responsibility. Response. Ability. You have the ability to respond with patience [...]
The 1 to 10 Scale
chuckbeardsley2019-03-29T17:33:23+00:00In the movie “War Games” (Yes, dating myself), the computer famously says “the only winning move is not to play.” Now there are obviously times in our marriage when we [...]
Here’s a crazy idea-how about talking to each other as a way to get started.
chuckbeardsley2019-03-29T17:48:18+00:00In my work with couples a lot of people ask questions like “How can you do that kind of work?-sitting there while couples yell at each other, I couldn’t take [...]
You Don’t Have To Solve Your Problems.
chuckbeardsley2019-03-29T17:50:32+00:00Research shows that almost 2/3 of marital issues are unsolvable. At the Gottman Institute We call these perpetual problems. Psychologist Dan Wile says, "When choosing a long-term partner, you will [...]
Contempt: Gottman’s Four Horsemen Article
chuckbeardsley2019-03-29T17:53:58+00:00Contempt: Contempt is the most detrimental of the four horsemen to a relationship. In Gottman language we talk about “negative sentiment override”, which means that there is a time when [...]