• Couples Counseling Mountainside

The goal of conflict

Generally, people think the goal of conflict is winning. Sometimes in life it is.  But in a marriage, that's another losing strategy. If you're winning an conflict, then your partner is losing, and that's a [...]

  • Couples Counseling Westfield

Ask for what you want

Asking for what you want, rather than telling your partner what they did wrong, or about what you don't want, is a winning strategy. A common mistake couples make is they don't take time to [...]

The Emotional Bank Account

One of the things that connected with me personally when I first heard John and Julie Gottman speak was the concept of the emotional bank account. Several of the Gottman couples counseling winning strategies are [...]

Politics and differences

Differences in politics has come up several times in my work with couples. This isn't new.  38% of married households contain a politically mismatched pair, according to recent survey data. When it does come up, [...]

“Now what do I do?”

  This is a question I get a lot during sessions, when clients have had a conflict, right in front of me. My answer is: Let’s do a quick repair. Repairs are one of the [...]

  • Couples Counseling Westfield

Response Ability

  The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for your role in the issue. Think about the word responsibility. Response. Ability. You have the ability to respond with patience and kindness. The key is [...]

  • mountainside couples counseling chuck beardsley

The 1 to 10 Scale

In the movie “War Games” (Yes, dating myself), the computer famously says “the only winning move is not to play.” Now there are obviously times in our marriage when we need to discuss things, topics [...]

What is Empathy?

  Empathy is a word often thrown around and misunderstood by couples that come into my practice. Many times I’ve been sitting with a couple, and one of the partners will express a need or [...]

  • Contemplative Psychotherapy

Contemplative Psychotherapy

What does it mean when I say I work as a contemplative psychotherapist? If you’re a current client of mine, or considering becoming a client, this is a fundamental question-what exactly is going on in [...]

  • Couples Counseling Mountainside Chuck Beardsley LCSW

You Don't Have To Solve Your Problems.

Research shows that almost 2/3 of marital issues are unsolvable. At the Gottman Institute We call these perpetual problems. Psychologist Dan Wile says, "When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular [...]

  • contemplative psychotherapy

10 Percent Happier

As a contemplative therapist, I utilize a combination of traditional psychotherapy techniques, buddhist psychology and meditation.  Mindfulness meditation, compassion training and self compassion cultivation are some examples of the methods I use. Clients often ask [...]

  • mindfulness couples counseling, contemplative couples therapy

4 Steps To Use Mindfulness With Couples

It’s happened again. The kind of fight with a partner that we dread-the kind that start off seemingly with a simple request or discussion and somehow we’re in a knock down fight , and we [...]

  • couples therapist chuck beardsley article contempt

Contempt: Gottman's Four Horsemen Article

Contempt: Contempt is the most detrimental of the four horsemen to a relationship.  In Gottman language we talk about “negative sentiment override”, which means that there is a time when a couple in trouble have [...]

  • couples counseling gottman method couples counselor mountainside nj

Stonewalling: One of the Four Horsemen

Stonewalling: Stonewalling is the fourth but not the least of the four horsemen. Stonewalling is occurring when a person in a conflict is so flooded with feelings that they become unresponsive, and withdraw into saying [...]

  • couple counseling mountainside nj chuck beardsley

Defensiveness: One of The Four Horsemen

Defensiveness: The next negative pattern that predicts divorce is defensiveness.  A good definition of defensiveness is innocent victimhood or righteous indignation, usually to ward off a perceived attack.  It’s also a form of blame, a [...]

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Dr. Gottman uses this  metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament as a way of describing the serious impact that these communication styles have on a [...]